A note to readers this LP originally appeared on Gamespite. Gamespite members contributed suggestions on how to play the game. Their sgguested actions appear as blockquoted and in quotations. Commands given to the game's parser are merely blockquoted. I hope this makes the following a little more understandable

Welcome to my Let's Play of King's Quest II: Romancing the Throne. KQ2 was released in 1985 before some of you were born I'm sure. Like every KQ game it was designed by Roberta Williams. KQ2 did have two other guys I really like working on it though, Mark Crowe and Scott Murphy, who went on to make their own wonderful adventure games. After Sir Graham won himself a kingdom in the first King's Quest he has to go about a King's most important duty: insuring an heir to the throne. That's hard to do without a woman in most cases. Not having access to chemistry.com, match.com, or christiansingles.com King Graham goes to his magic mirror in hopes that perhaps it can hook him up with an eligible princess.

A long, long time ago, when creatures of myth and magic walked the earth openly with lesser mortals, there dwelt in the kingdom of Daventry a King named Graham. He had won the crown by his wit and courage, when he went forth to uncover and reclaim the three lost treasures of Daventry. Now Graham ruled over the land, with the aid of the mirror that foretold the future, the bottomless treasure chest, and the invincible shield. The people of Daventry prospered under the reign of the kindly monarch. Just one year after returning from his first victorious quest, King Graham arose and looked into the mirror as he was wont to do daily. Much to his astonishment, he beheld the face of Edward, the King who came before him in the succession. King Edward spoke, "Graham, your kingdom is strong now, thanks to the recovery of the three treasures and your wise leadership. But it will soon grow weak again, if you do not provide an heir to the throne. Marry, my son, and give your people a prince that make their future secure." The vision faded. King Graham pondered how he might find a bride fit to reign over Daventry. He consulted with Gerwain, his wise prime minister. "She must be good, and kind, so that she will love my people and they will love here," said Graham. "She must have the wisdom to counsel me in my daily problems, and a loving heart to bring me comfort. I wish my Queen to glow with an inner beauty of spirit as well as beauty of face and form." Gerwain suggested that Graham host a celebration, and invite all the maidens of marriageable age from his whole kingdom. He could then observe and conserve with the likely candidates, and see if any one of them fit his idea of a queen. The invitations were sent out, and the whole kingdom turned out for the celebration. From every corner of Daventry the maidens came. Short and tall, slender and plump, fair and dark, pretty and plain. There were maidens from all stations of life, from Dukes' and earls' daughters to the village goose girl and the scullery maid from the castle kitchens. They all had but one thing in common: They greatly admired the handsome King, and were eager to catch his eye. Word had spread that the King was looking for a bride, and they were all thrilled at the prospect of marrying the charming Graham. For two days the celebration wore on, and though he tried to be cheerful, Graham gradually became somber. None of the maidens he had met quickened his pulse. One maid squinted, another tripped over everything in sight. Another was too coy, and the one after her giggled constantly. They all had some fault, however small. It was with great relief that Graham saw his guests ride away at then end of the celebration. He retired to his room to reflect gloomily. "My kingdom is home to hundreds of lovely maidens," he mourned. "Why is there not one among them who touches my heart and my dreams." As he asked the question, King Graham was standing near the magic mirror. He glanced toward it, and noticed that the glass had grown inexplicably cloudy. The mist cleared, All at once, King Graham beheld the most beautiful maiden he had ever seen. She had hair of glowing auburn, and eyes of midnight blue. Her skin was the color of rich cream, but alas, no roses bloomed in her cheeks, and the corners of her pretty mouth drooped in sorrow. She was standing at a window, motionless except for the stray breeze that stirred her hair. A tear fill from one eye, and sparkled on her cheek like a diamond on velvet. She put up one hand to brush it away, and Graham was struck by the grace of her movement. The kings heart was suddenly enveloped in a strange fever. He knew that this was the maiden for whom he longed - this was the woman who must be his queen. He wanted to find her and bring a smile to her lovely face. He wanted to take her in his arms, and protect her from trouble forevermore. Eagerly he consulted the magic mirror. "Oh mirror wise," said Graham, "I have vowed to make this maiden my bride. Where may I find her?" The mirror clouded again, and a voice was heard. "This is the maiden Valanice. She is from the kingdom of Kolyma, and is known for her goodness no less than her beauty. The jealous crone Hagatha whisked Valanice away to an enchanted land, and imprisoned her in a quartz tower guarded by a ferocious wild beast." "I must rescue her or die in the attempt," declared King Graham. "How may I find this enchanted land?" "You must travel to the kingdom of Kolyma," said the mirror. "There you may search for the keys which unlock the three doors to the enchanted land..." The voice faded and the mirror cleared. Graham stared at his own reflection. Vainly did he call for its return, to give him more clues to the whereabouts of the magic keys. Finally, he shouldered his provisions, and set out on his quest of love. Only you, my bold adventurer have the power to finish this tale. Accompany King Graham on his quest to find the magic keys. Encounter characters of legend, folklore and fantasy. Explore underground caverns, eerie towers, and ocean wonderlands. Help him rescue the enchanted maiden, so he can lay his kingdom and his heart at her feet. You will be faced with challenges that would intimidate those of lesser timbre. Summon all your strength and courage. Leave no stone unturned, no avenue unexplored, and your perseverance will be richly rewarded. It may be possible to find each key through more than one avenue. The more imaginative your solutions, the greater you reward. Study all the ancient lores for clues. Along the way collect as many treasures as you can - treasures fit for a queen.

Thank goodness I didn't have to type that out... Strangely enough neither the manual nor the game bother to tell you how Graham reaches the shores of Kolyma. I like to think he sailed a ship there that crashed horribly killing everyone save Graham. That way his son Alexander is simply following in his father's footsteps. Also, Roberta doesn't have to bother creating original content!

So, here we go! Welcome to King's Quest II

Like last time I'll be drawing a map and you'll be directing Graham where to go and what to do. Unlike last time I'm not sure I know every which way to kill Graham but I suppose between us we can figure it out. Where to Tyrants? I'm also going to make an effort to capture more of the description text in the game, Shivam finds it endlessly fascinating...

Wherein Graham's descent into madness begins

One of the many benefits to becoming King of Daventry, indeed the greatest of them to Graham (though he told no one) was that shortly after winning the crown for himself the disturbing voices that often compelled him to do the strangest and most alarming things stopped. He told no one this, but he would have happily saved the kingdom just to be rid of the voices... So, you can imagine the creeping horror that began to come over Graham when shortly after reaching the shores of Kolyma, indeed, as soon as he found himself once again on firm ground about to set off to find Princess Valanice he heard out of a clear blue empty sky:

"I wonder...can you do anything with that palm tree, like climb it or take a coconut?"

In no time Graham finds himself trying to scramble up the tree his body unable to resist the urge, nay necessity, of obeying the voice.

Despite his inability to climb the tree he still feels compelled to grab for a coconut. With the alien thought that one might make a good pet.

get coconut

Soon other voices began demanding that Graham pay heed to their words and he is helpless to resist:

"It looks like someone sprinkled delicious Skittles on the grass around the beach. Graham should eat all of them."

Graham doesn't know what skittles are but he tries to eat what is on the ground anyway

Those rocks look unnatural. I think taking the time to do a geological survey of the area would be a good idea.
"Destroy that rogue plant behind the coconut tree, that stands out due to its black outline. Then, follow the trail of skittles to a rainbow."
look plant
destroy rogue plant

Sadly, the game does not understand the word 'destroy' Damn...

get rogue plant
"Lets go swimming and see what happens"

Oh, you want him to swim... Not just flail about in the water...:

Nothing out there, I suppose. After Graham washes back on shore and regains consciousness he is immediately told to:

"Drink seawater Graham!"
"Start looking around for jewelry. If I recall correctly, for some strange reason, Kolymians toss away precious gems like they come out of the ground or something."

Graham cringes as he starts lapping up the salt water, but silently thanks (?) the voice if its knowledge of Kolymians propensity for leaving precious gems and jewelry strewn about the countryside is correct:

drink salt water

It's right there!

drink water


Small Windows of Sanity

After swallowing a great deal more salt water than is safe. Graham finds that he is once again "alone" and in control of his own body once more. He decides if he is going to get anything done before he loses his mind entirely he must act quickly! He gets his bearings:

look flowers
look ocean
look plants

Okay, so there is an ocean, some flowers, and some plants. Good job Graham! The princess is nearly yours! He makes his way south, drawing a map in his head as he goes.

look around
look trees

south again:

look rock

south again:

look around
get clamshell

That one voice, the nice one, was right! Kolymians do leave their valuables lying around! *YOINK*

get bracelet
look bracelet
look clamshell
open clamshell



South again

look around

Small Windows of Sanity, continued

get trident
look trident


look around

You've already said that Parser! Be more creative!

look rocks


Graham's confused... How did he get here? If he went south and ended up back where he came... That implies he's on a small spherical planetoid... But then wait he came here by sea... wait, there are no oceans near Daventry which is also a tiny spherical... *HEAD ESPLODE* Oh, wait! I know! It must be magic! Wfftttehh... Bullet dodged. After exhausting his own meager intelligence Graham patiently waits for the voices to return and tell him what to do. He hopes at least one of them is mildly constructive...

Go East Young Man! (and be consumed)

The voices seemed to have reached a consensus that Graham head east deeper into Kolyma. Not having any ideas of his own and unable to resist Graham heads east (sorry, I forgot to enlarge these before I uploaded them, that's what I get for trying to LP while the mother-in-law was visiting):

look around

Well things look pleasant enough around here! Why look there's even a white picket fence:

(thanks for the info Parser...)

With civilization in sight Graham heads east again:

look around

Graham tries to ask questions about the patio and the flower box but the parser doesn't seem to know they exist despite just telling Graham about them. Graham then checks out the mailbox :

Graham has no clue who this "Grandma" character is but he sure as hell is going to steal her mail, it would be unkingly not to:

Done with the outside of the house Graham goes inside to see what other things he can purloin:


Go East and Try to Live This Time

Graham finds himself standing up, screaming, and twisting as the claws and fangs of the enormous wolf end his life... As his hot life gushes out of him he wonders why he ever bothered with the damn mirror... Huh? What's this he's still alive? Still breathing? And standing outside of "Grandma's" house too... He could have sworn he just entered it only to find a his grisly death. But, no here he is alive, must be just another sign of the madness that is enveloping him. As he grips the handle to enter the cottage he shudders:

"Thank the Goddess! It's just an old lady" Graham exclaims, thankfully the ol' bird appears to be deaf and didn't here him. Graham immediately begins casing the joint.

Graham attempts to look under the bed, into the dresser, under Grandma, behind the painting, and elsewhere for objects but is unable to find anything... The stupid parser doesn't even recognize the hideous piece of art on the wall (which convinces Graham, and at least one of the voices in his head that while the parser lacks intelligence it still has some taste.) Graham can only take so much whining from the elderly before departing, eastwards:

Graham notices nothing different... and continues on his way

look building
look bell

east once more and "look door:"

He heads inside:

Graham approaches the alter and kneels to pray:

Go East and Try to Live This Time, cont'd

Graham doesn't want to be rude and tell the monk that he doesn't believe in this man's false god, knowing that the Queen of Heaven is the only true deity, but he's not going to say no to free stuff. He tries to engage the monk in a religious debate:

Alas, the monk seems unwillingly to have a theological discussion. Graham leaves the church and continues heading east:

"There, the chasm, fill it with your mighty juice"

"Goddamn it Graham! He didn't mean dive into the chasm... It's a metaphor for sex you a-hole!"


Graham finds himself on the edge of a large chasm, one he could have sworn just a minute ago he was careening down the sides of... With no way to go further east or north Graham goes back to the church and heads north:

Able to go east once more and not having, yet, received new instructions from his "friends" he crosses the bridge:

His way once again blocked by the mountains Graham heads north:

Graham tries his best to overcome the magic of the door by brute force... But, it seems whoever made the door already thought of that... The door remains closed.

Wander Around Young Man!

Unable to go East or North at this point Graham begins wandering westward in the hopes of stumbling upon something himself or being told what to do past the bridge he once again enter the "forest:"

Thanks for pointing that our Parser we might have missed it if it wasn't for you... Graham doesn't even bother looking over his shoulder! He's a king! He walks right in to the tree house:

How Graham or the Parser knows a dwarf lives he is beyond me... I haven't seen any sign of a dwarf or any other living creature in the wilderness since landing on Kolyma. Not that the King cares, he's just here for loot:

Despite being unable to score one of those sweet blue hats, Graham feels pretty satisfied with stealing both the the food and dearest treasure of this Kolyma resident... A warm sense of satisfaction floods over the King and he decides to bask in it... At least until someone gives him something better to do... Or he can continue wandering?

The Further Wanderings of King Graham

Let's start this out with a nice look at the loot Graham just "liberated" from the chest:

I think Graham is up to three pieces from this diamond, sapphire set. A wonderful collection that's sure to make him at mint at Tiffany's, Daventry. With nothing left to abscond with Graham leaves the Gnome's subterranean abode... All it takes though is a slip on the ladder though and Graham leaves this mortal coil with nothing to show for his life but a bunch of other people's goods, his brains splattered all over the rock, and a mess for the gnome to clean up whenever he gets home:

(You might have been able to tell that Sierra hadn't quite yet got down the idea of making deaths humorous yet. You die some funny music plays and then you get the "Thank you for playing" message from Roberta and Ken. Thankfully this began to be fixed with Space Quest, but we're still a year away at this point)


A quick F7, enter, down, down, enter and Graham is back though. At least developers made it easy to restore games... Outside of the gnome's house Graham heads west:

Where he runs into Hagatha... Not a good screencap of her here but we'll see her again and I'll make sure to get it then. I'm also sure I'm still under the protection of the fairy so Hagatha would just run away once she touched us (maybe, I'll confirm that if anyone is dying to know.) West once more:

look around
look skulls

Well, it seems pretty safe here... Graham risks a peak inside the cave:

look around
look pot
look skulls

(I've always thought it was funny how these skulls are all gigantic... Hagatha only eats giants? Is Graham small for his race? Did the sprite artists never communicate with the background artists? Consistency doesn't seem to be valued much here in Kolyma, or Daventry, or Sierra...)

look bird

Graham could steal the bird now, but no one has yet told him to and it might be a trick, so he leaves for now and heads back to do what that last voice said to do, "Feed Grandma soup"

"Oh what a nice little boy you are... Though you seem to be suffering quite badly from jaundice.."

That was pretty much all she said before she started complaining about her children never visiting.

Grandma asks Graham to go Down...

Oh dear, I hope "look under the bed" isn't some kind of old lady code for sex... Neither one of them looks like they could handle it...

look under bed

(a note:if you try this before feeding Grandma the game says you see nothing)

Swanky. Graham is sure to be a hit at Daventry's latest goth nightclub, No One Understands my Pubescent Angst, with these on! Leaving Grandma before she starts asking Graham to help with the yard he heads south:

No, that does not look lovely at all... It looks blasted and, and wrong.

Oh, you were talking about the other lake! Why didn't you say so! So I can swim in this one?

"Oh Goddess! it Burns! Why does it burn? Why? Why must I suffer endlessly?"

Death Count: 6

West of the lakes:

Once more:

"OMG Guys! A topless fish lady! That's so fucking hot" (note: this is what frustrated prepubescents had to masturbate too before the internet, before AOL, before BBSes. It was a sad time... a dark time...) If I try to look at her from the shore the parser plays dumb, you have to enter the water, "Swim," get close to her and then "look mermaid"

If you try to talk to her:

Well, that was helpful you disgusting abomination! Graham returns to wandering around in the woods:

look around

Unattended property? Graham must have dropped it here, last time he visited, yeah, that's the ticket!

More Wanderings commence (don't worry Graham's drawing a map he'll share it with you later.)

There's Got to be Something Around here Worth Stealing... Besides a wife!

More wanderings:

Giant gaping holes are always suspicious; Graham investigates:

I don't know how many rotted stumps I've peered into in my life, a lot. I've never not once found any expensive jewelry. It's mostly dirt and bugs, one time I found a bottle cap! Graham resumes:

Thank goodness Parser is here to let us know which pieces of wood are and aren't important! East, Graham spies another large hole and investigates:

East again:

Following the chasm north:

Then west:

Then Graham got lost for awhile his not very good spatially...

At least that looks promising.

I don't Have any Money but I'd Like to Buy Something...

This appears to be a substantial looking piece of architecture, Graham goes in for a closer look:

"Quaint? That things bigger than my house!" Graham has no idea what the voice is talking about he lives in a castle, one that is at least three screens wide!

read sign
open door

"Dammit!" Graham tries a number of illegal means of entry, all of which the Parser seemed to be ignorant of. West again and we're back to the poison lake:

Another hole! You know what that means? TREASURE!

Graham thinks he's been just about everywhere there is to be in Kolyma except for the southwestern portion of the poison lake so he heads there now:


That Castle Looks Just Like Mine! Well, Except it's all Shitty and Stuff

Graham decides to investigate the only way he knows how! Looking at things:

I guess that's Kolyma. Not much really to do. One unhelpful mermaid, a grandma, a witch, a gnome, a closed antique shop, and a castle surrounded by a poison lake... What the hell is Graham supposed to do with that? Wait, what's this?

Graham tries talking to the little girl:

What luck Graham! You have Red's basket of goodies! Remember the one you stole from Grandma's mailbox? Wait, how does Red know you stole it? Did Red forgot she delivered it? Is she crazy? Quick give it to her before she remembers something!

Those seem much less helpful than a basket of goodies. Having exhuasted his own meager mental abilities. Graham settles down to wait for an idea to come to him, or you know for a voice to tell him to do something. Whatever...


If you enter the Hagatha cave screen enough times you'll eventually see this:

It even plays a shitty 8-bit rendition of the theme song from the old tv show with Adam West

King Graham: Taking Care of Business

"Well, you've got a bunch of jewelry, and you're here to find love, right? How about you give jewelry to the mermaid until she marries you."

Graham likes this idea. He likes it a lot. Except the part where he gives away treasure. As a experienced adventure game protagonist he knows that if he gives treasure away he's going to lose points. Also he's a greedy bastard. He looks through his pockets looking for something, other than jewelry, that a near woman would want.... AHA! he's got it:

Talk to man
Give man trident
get key

Gawd! This Cage gets Dirty Quick...

On the way back Graham tries to look at the various neat things "under the sea" (like the bones, coral, fish, shark, starfish, etc.) Parser kicks back the same two messages to each of these:

Graham pulls the cloth piece of cloth out of the bottle Neptune gave him... (I've never quite understood why this item is in the game, though I know what to use it for. You'll see in a second.)

Well, he was unable to marry the mermaid as the voice in his head requested but Graham feels like he still made out pretty well. Now what did that other voice tell him to do?

"Kiss Hagatha!"

Oh yeah... Graham heads off to the Witch's cave:

kiss woman

In his attempt to mack with the green tinted woman, Graham was captured!? Good thing his fairy godmother blessed him:

Once inside the cave Graham drapes the cloth over the cage and picks it up:


Graham can take the birdcage without the cloth. When he does so the bird makes a chirping noise and then falls silent. How this matters I don't know because Hagatha is never in her cave and once you are outside of it the bird never chirps again... As far as I can tell the cloth and its puzzle exist merely to award points to the player

Awesome! Graham now has a bird. What is he supposed to do with it? Wanderings resume... Graham takes in the beauty of the vast chasm, the charms of the poison lake, the witty conversation of Grandma, and the church before recalling that he has a key and he knows of a prominent locked door...

Since he's in the area he heads back over to the house nearby:

read sign

Graham also ran into an Enchanter?!

He poofed as soon as he touched Graham without any text boxes explaining his disappearance.

Of Course She Wants You to Rub it...

No longer harassed Graham enters the building:

look around

Graham tries to look at all the neat/weird brick-a-brack in the antique shop but Parser plays dumb:

talk woman

Subtle Roberta real subtle. Graham tries to look at the lamp but cannot because:

buy lamp

Graham dodges a bullet and hands over the bird, keeping all the treasure he has worked so hard for:

Well that was rude...

LEARNING TIME The antique shop only opens after you open the first door and closes forever after getting the lamp. It's sole purpose in Kolyma is to give you that item. It seems like a waste of people's work. They could have just stuffed the lamp into another hole in a tree or rock

What do you suppose we do with this thing?

The Dumbest Puzzle, EVER

"Man with a lamp like that there's only one thing to do: fill it with oil and light it on fire."
"I dunno, last time we rubbed a suspicious lamp, a genie came out and killed us. Maybe we should just throw it in a cave, to be on the safe side."

Have you learned nothing in any of these adventure LPs? Adventure heroes do not throw things away, ever.

"Nope, it said it was empty inside. Obviously, we don't have to worry about anything coming out whatsoever. I say you use it as a makeshift ladle and drain the poison lake.

Unable to meet any of the demands the voices in his head are making of him, Graham begins to rub the lamp rhythmically. A trained psychologist might consider it a coping mechanism of some sort... Graham, lost in his own reverie, misses the next events entirely. In the future when re-telling this story he always leaves this part, and the voices too, out and tells people he had these three items all along!?

Without the lamp, and its accompanying rubbing ritual, Graham returns to the present and find his pockets (?) bulking with new loot:

Carrying all of it around reminds him what thirsty work adventuring is, good thing there's a large body of water here for him.

drink lake

Oh, yeah that was the poisoned lake wasn't it, Graham? Sorry bud!


Graham, who grew up being read stories out of 1001 Arabian Nights, knows exactly what do with a Persian rug that appears magically on your body and recalling the door mentioned heights:

fly rug

(Graham was hoping this game was 4/20 friendly...)


Stupid Graham... Ok, back on the cliff top:

Ok, lets see what items could Graham use on a snake? He has a sword with a snake on its hilt, he has a mallet, a stake, several items of jewelry, a cloak. Any one of those could be used, in real life, to deal with a snake. So could making loud noises or throwing pebbles you can find anywhere at it. If you thought of any of those you were mostly wrong. The sword will work, but you'll be screwed later on. Nothing else effects the snake. What you are supposed to do, what gives you the most points, is wait for it, wait for it...

throw bridle at snake

"What the Fuck!?" I don't know anyone who ever tried this, on their own, as a lad I never got a perfect score on this game and never knew what I was supposed to use the bridle for... I didn't know about this until after the internet came along.

Too Shocked to Title this Chapter

OOokay... Let's ride this thing!

Kill it!

Talk to it...?

A sugar cube? brambles? Sure, why not? I mean you're a snake that turned into a flying horse after a bridle was thrown at it...

Another hole in a rock? I should stick my head in there!

Product placement in 1986? How forward thinking of you Sierra! Into the cave:


Out of the cave and a short carpet ride later and:

With another key in his possession Graham heads towards the magic door and opens it:

I Wonder Where this One Leads us and a Short Scene with Bizarro Graham

read door

These damn inscriptions keep getting vaguer and vaguer... Stout heart? What the hell does that mean? With nothing else to go on Graham resumes wandering, while by the poisoned lake he stumbles upon:


Guess not, this is just a ghoul who happens to look just like Charon and has the same shitty job. Ferrying people across bad things.

talk man
kill man

Graham should talk to those Belmonts he's heard so much about, they might have some advice on that...

get in boat


What Now, Voices?

Meanwhile in Bizarro Kolyma...

Bizarro King Graham finds his way to the top of the mountains too. It was a long trip that required him giving away three of the treasures he'd found in Kolyma. One to the Mermaid and two more to the antique owner. He'd tried just killing everything but PARSER wasn't having any of it. Bizarro Graham looks forward wherein the next 15 years he and every other videogame protagonist will be using extreme violence to solving every problem... Finally, though once faced with the viper Bizarro Graham is allowed to release some pent-up aggression:

Blood lust coursing through his veins Bizarro Graham attempts to eat his defeated foe:

Can he at least keep it as a trophy?

Bizarro Graham hates PARSER.

A Random thing I thought was funny

"Uh, than... *gulg* *glug* *splurt but what I rea *splash* need right now is *glug-a-glu* life-preserver!"

More Ways to Die

"I love seeing Bizarro Graham back in action. Is there any chance we'll see him do more stupid stuff? I still don't trust that plump monk. P.S. You think Pegasus would've minded if you got up close and attempted to ride him while he's still a POISONOUS snake? Er, I mean, POISONOUS viper?


And since we're bringing up ways to die:



Into the Breach

Graham's very being screams against the thought of giving up any of the treasures he's found just lying around in Kolyma to this ghoul! Instead he gets an idea. An idea so fiendish as to boggle the mind of just about any sane person... He dons the cloak and ring Grandma gave him:

Since Graham is decking himself out in fancy new duds he also slips the cross on:

Cleverly disguised as a stylish cloak wearing dandy Graham hopes to be ferried across the lake, without a word he walks up to the ferryman and enters the boat:

Humph, whose clothes did Grandma have stashed under her bed, and why are they so keen on keeping people away from their castle? For shits and giggles I tried to get through the brambles without assistance:

DEATH COUNT: 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16...

Many Deaths Later

I don't know how anyone could have got through those brambles without help! Anyone who did is some kind of masochist! Forget this noise:

eat sugarcube

Take that evil plants! Graham revels in stomping on the poisonous brambles, now that he is immune to them Up ahead Graham finds the door and guys playing in sheets?

Graham investigates:

(I really have no idea how you would get past these guys sand the cloak and ring... I suppose we'll find out when Bizarro Graham makes it to the Bizarro Castle, huh?)

I often wonder if the early background artists at Sierra had no interactions with the rest of the team. That is some monumental architecture. Whoever lives here isn't much of a reader, it seems.

Parser seemed incapable of telling me anything about what might lie down either of the two halls. On a whim Graham takes the one on the left:

Find out what awaits Graham at the top of this ramp (?! Who builds ramps? The govt. of Kolyma must be incredibly progressive to make even their evil castles are wheelchair accessible.) tonight. Also, probably, what was to the right of the entryway too...

Ham, Hamm, Hammy, Ham

A room at the top of the ramp... how utterly expected. Graham does his usual thing of looking everywhere for loose items:

When Graham tries to sleep in the bed:

The dresser looks more promising though, and Graham opens a drawer:

An unlit candle never did anyone any good. Graham recalls seeing a torch back down the ramp and goes to light it:

With the western wing of the castle explored Graham heads to the east wing:

Giants!? Who else would eat at that table which reaches to Graham's head?

The game goes out of its way to convey how old and disgusting the table is... and then points out this delicious ham on it. How did this ham get here? Is it old and magic or brand new? If it is new why is it set on a table that hasn't been used in a very long time? None of these questions bother Graham. He just takes the ham and jams it into his pockets:

Soon you will wonder just who took that bite out of it too! Once we meet this Castle's lodger.

I wish This Was a Castlevania Game

With the dining room explored Grham heads north before heading further east, and down, into the castle:

Stairs, now? Why would you have a ramp going up one of the towers of your castle but stairs in another? This is one schizophrenic architect.

(these stairs are easy to fall off of, btw)

Well, that's inconvenient! How is Graham suppose to steal whatever is in the chest if it's locked? With nothing else to do in the tower Graham descends and then descends again:

(Somehow I managed to not get a single picture of this room without a giant textbox in it, sorry!)

Graham is a sucker of posthumous viewings:

kiss dracula

Parser refused this command and several others with the same intent with his general "I don't understand" comment. Graham spent a little too much time appreciating the Count's physical attributes though and he woke up:

(No, Dracula is not a giant so, who uses that table upstairs?)

Not to Put too Fine a Point on it

"Take that! And that! And a little of this!" Graham yells to the now pile of dust in the coffin. Graham grabs the silver key before rubbaging around in the coffin:

Graham is guessing that big gold key is for the magic door which means the little silver one is for the chest he found in the east tower. On the way up he accidently blows his candle out:


Death Count:A lot +1

On his way out of the castle Graham takes the ring and cloak off, but Charon doesn't seem to care that someone he never took to the island is now asking for a ride off of it:

Before heading to the last magic door with the key Graham swings by the monastery to thank the old monk who gave him the cross. Sadly, he seems to have left the chapel:

Graham crosses the bridge for the last time and turns the key into the last magical door:

A Whole New World. Plus, I Feel Pretty

Graham finds himself in a world that is making my eyes bleed just looking at it. He investigates:

I'm guessing you guys want to direct Graham to explore this new world, correct? If he finds something he should either try to kill or kiss it? Am I missing anything? Or should I just run through the end and we can get on to KQ3?


King Graham the Transvestite

With all this pretty jewelry Graham wants to slip into his favorite ball gown put it on and go out on the town! Sadly, Roberta and Ken Williams aren't as progressive thinking as the rest of us:

Next Time: Finishing up and Bizarro King Graham

First Things First

"It's a new world, maybe you can swim easily here! Lets find out :P

Death count: countless +2

Stranger in a Strange Land

Graham heads south only to find his way blocked by rocks:

Heading back to the north he finds:

Here is another shitty bit by Sierra. If you had no experience with these games you'd think "okay, I can't fish here." Same with if he had encountered Hagatha in her cave, or the wolf in Grandma's house, or Dracula in his crypt. This is always random, sometimes they will be there sometimes they won't. If you didn't know it was random, if you assumed the game wasn't fucking with you, you'd never get anywhere in these games. Graham keeps fishing 'til he catches something:

Okay, what do I do now?

talk fish
grab fish
throw fish back
ride fish


Lost, 1985 Edition

After crashing his fish Graham finds himself stuck on a strange island that is every bit as ugly as everything else so far in this place... He heads south:

A tower? that might be worth investigating, Graham decides to finish his circuit of his new domain first:

That last comment springs up unsolicited when you step onto this screen. I don't know why they bothered the art for the item is large enough that it is clearly visible and the comment about its sparkle shows up whenever you type 'look' on this screen. Graham grabs it:

He heads south to the tower:

talk maiden

"This is Graham, I'm going in!"

We're almost there, people.

I Hope There's Candy at the Top!

Graham fingers the handle of his sword but then recalls the stinking hunk of chewed ham he's been caring around for awhile now:

This is why you get a dog, people and not a lion.

pet lion


Graham opens the door:

talk woman
kiss woman

(so not worth playing the game for... Though I find the thought of kids masturbating furiously to this image in 1985 hilarious.)


This isn't Daventry! Why Would You Invite a Dragon to your Wedding?!

Can you name all the losers who showed up to King Graham's wedding? Does he have no friends? Not even the poor peasants he saved in Daventry?

That's King's Quest II

Except for a little Bizarro Graham.

Stayed tuned for my LP of[ King's Quest III: To Heir is Human, now with flesh colored (kinda) protagonists!

Bizarro Graham Goes Forth!

Last time we saw Bizarro Graham he had just finished carving up a magic viper. Once that was done though he grabbed the key, rode the carpet back to Kolyma, and unlocked the second door, revealing the third and final one. It said something about a heart or liver. He wasn't sure, reading was never a strong suit of Bizarro Graham. He figured whatever he had to do, or even better, kill it'd be at the castle in the middle of the poison lake it was the only place he hadn't yet been so he headed over:

Once on the island Bizarro Graham bravely stepped into the brambles... and died. Over and over and over again. Eventually I figured it out, proving two things: it can be done and Ken and Roberta don't know what they are doing...

What?! That is lame! How am I supposed to beat ghosts without cleverly dressing as a dead man?

wear cross

The answer to this puzzle is that lame Bizarro Graham makes his way up the west tower, grabs the candle, and then heads east and down, down, down:

As much as B. Graham loves killing things, he is also extremely lazy. At this point he is having third and fourth thoughts about even venturing out to find some strange broad he only saw in a mirror once. He thinks it was the magic mirror... He had been smoking a lot of Hooka with the Daventry Dragon recently...

B. Graham in a strange dream:

That isn't anything like Anne Rice said it would be!

With Dracula gone B. Graham grabs absconds with the last key post-haste! Back over the bridge he unlocks it and finds himself: In one of his own Hooka fueled hallucinations?

Rinse and repeat. As much fun B. Graham is having eradicating the entire gold scaled fish species. His chopping arm is getting tired. He finally just throws a live one back in and hopes a ride on it. The smelly fish unceremoniously dumps him onto a strange island. B. Graham now wishes he had killed a couple hundred thousand more of the damn things...

B. Graham grabs the amulet, reads it and says "home:"

He had a strange dream though:

"I suppose I've come this far..." Graham says as he heads south but eats his ham on the way... Killing fish is hard business:

Into the tower and up the steps, and a little more stabby, stab:

Unfortunately, the blade is stuck in the lion's innards... After that the game plays the same to the end. You talk, kiss, and head home...


Final Thoughts: KQ2 is an okay game, it hasn't aged well and Sierra's lack of experience really shows. Random elements crammed together, nonsensical puzzles, a non-existent storyline. Sierra is known for the crap they put in their games but the latter games are leagues ahead of KQ2...