I’ve said this before when it comes to Talking Time, but you won’t find a better group of people on the internet who are all giant, lovable nerds. I did Festivus again this year and it was amazing as always. Here’s part one of my report! This year I was the giftee for TT member, upupdowndown. Below is my report.
So, after having driven for 10+ hours across the cultural (and sometimes actual) wasteland that is California I arrive home to find a package!
“New Balance shoes?! That’s for old people!”
I open it up anyway!
“Huh, just some bubble wrapped jars and a piece of paper…”
It is I, upupdowndown, your NINJA SANTA OF DOOM. Prepare for your GIFT-RELATED ANNIHILATION.
“I like where this is going!”
Your first present will help instill a sense of dread and unease that will soften up up for the killing blows yet to come: a copy of It’s Even Worse Than it Looks: How the American Constitutional System Collided with the New Politics of Extremism by Thomas E. Mann and Norman J. Ornstein. Quake with fear to the diagnosis of possibly fatal sickness in the body politic
“This should be uplifting!”
That quaking and unease will mean that you’ll never see my next attack coming: a selection of spice mixtures and mustards from the Colonel De in Cincinnati’s Findley Market! You always claim that nothing good comes from the flyover states, so I know you will not be expecting this dose of DANGEROUS DELICIOUSNESS.
“I sure could use that Butt rub! Oh wait, it says not for topical use…”
(the spices all smell amazing and Mrs. Logic and I can’t wait to try them, I didn’t open the mustards yet but I’m excited about them too)
the final element to this shipment, the one that will destroy you utterly, is the one that I took a much more active hand in creating. behold my own home-canned apple and spice vanilla pear butters, and tremble, for once you taste them, you shall surely perish! They were made this fall with organic local fruit (for extra malice), and you now own two jars of the apple and one of the pear
“I can’t wait to rub these all over Mrs. Logic’s bod… I mean all over my morning toast, good sir!”
(I can not wait to try these butters they look amazing! Is there an ideal time to open these? And once they are open how long are they good for in the fridge?)
Just in case you have survived all of this, I have prepared a BACKUP PLAN. I have subcontracted out your utter (re)destruction to the Craft Beer Club, who will be sending you TWO shipments of a variety of craft beers in January and March. Please enjoy your fatal beverages responsibly!
Wishing you a very murderous Festivus,
(This craft beer club looks amazing they send 3 bottles of 4 beers with each shipment 12 microbrew varietal beers? Woohoo!)
Thanks to UUDD for this super amazing Festivus gift! I, and the missus, are stoked to be using the cooking stuff right away!
At this point I’m waiting for the beers to show up!