Not even through the first month of the new year and I have already failed in my goal to post daily. I suppose I should have known. I am not known to stick with anything, I flit from task to task, idea to idea, passion to passion. Never staying long at any of them. Well I guess this in a effort to re-affirm my commitment, re-dedicate myself to overcoming me. Let go of the moment and just do things, you know? Isn’t that a terrible colloquialism? Not much of a writer if that gets tacked onto the end of each sentence. I could talk about politics but it’s always so depressing and I’m supposed to avoid that…
I am still alive and I will try to write more is what I guess I’m trying to say here.
Adventure appeals to me, but only in the literary sense. I oft wish that my life was like those of the people I read about. Where is my journey? Where is the great good that I can do? When did my life become less than the nothing it is? Where is the impossible to be overcome…
Was what came to me today. I see that already I have abandoned my goal here. I suppose this quiet unknown failure will only reveal myself to me, no one is here to share in the shame or to point an accusing finger. My finger is able enough for that. Speaking of which I recently tried to detach part of my left pinky from the rest of it. Why? Is the obvious question and the one that was on the lips of the police officers, EMTs, Emergency room personnel, My therapist, girlfriend, and family. I don’t really have an answer to it. It felt like the thing to do at the time. It made sense then, if I could go back and change things, I don’t think I would. Life is…. right? Is there more to it than that? We huff and puff and make a bluster, but Shakespeare was right even then:
“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
But it’s my life and I try to be the best Idiot I can, if it is a stage the least I can do is make the other players and the audience laugh, if only a little bit…
I was going to post my resolutions for this New Year in the hopes that perhaps posting them in a public arena would insure I worked at keeping them. I have decided to forgo the process though for two reasons: I haven’t made any resolutions in 4 years, and no one reads this. I stopped making resolutions in 2002 because at the time I was sure that I wouldn’t be living long enough to keep or fulfill them, as it is 2006 and I am still here, I might want to rethink my stance. The hassle of coming up with areas of my life that need improvement though is too much. I am consumed by the simple tasks that arise daily, no time for planning and working on ‘maybes’ and ‘perchances’. If I were to make a resolution it would be to write more. My prose is sorely lacking in several areas I fear and my ‘inspiration’ is so infrequent and fleeting that counting on it is a guarantee that I will never write! Do I have aspirations/expectations for this new year? Certainly, I hope to graduate and find a decent job in magazine or book publishing, I hope to be able to start paying down my debt, and I hope to be able to apply to a graduate school at the end of this year or prepare to apply in the next. These are all a long way off though and the future is seen as if through a glass darkly.
Winter quarter started today here at UC Davis. This quarter is likely to be my most difficult here in northern California. I am taking 20 units and will be working around 20 hours a week. The average unit load for an undergraduate student is between 13 and 15 a quarter, the maximum a student can take is 28.5… This translates into school 5 days a week and about 6 or 7 papers to write. I am hopeful that things will go smoothly and that I will be able to adjust to the stricter study and academic schedule. My past though is haunting me as I have never been very ‘studious’. Obviously as the quarter progresses I will keep the readers updated.
On a sad note, oneword is down!? Typical, as soon as I discover something it disappears forever!
(Note to self: next time talk about the Producers. I saw it today and really enjoyed it. Some thoughts on it would be appropriate for a post.)
No it still hasn’t updated. I just did another entry on pane. Here it is, similiar to the first… I wonder why for me “pane” is still “pain”?
Why is it always this dullness in the back of my head? It doesn’t make sense. The pills don’t work anymore, but I take them anyone. I keep hoping that at some point, in the future they’ll do the thing I can’t do myself. But it